Communication Strategies for Alienated Parents

Parental Alienation a Relational Disorder? DSM-V and ICD 11/

“A mental condition in which a child engaged in high-conflict divorce. The child aligns themselves with one parent (preferred parent) and rejects the relationship with the other parent (alienated parent).-Dr. William Bernet

An Australian group of fathers called ‘Dads on the Air” www.dadsontheair.net facilitate a helpful online broadcast about issues relating to fathers in Australia. On December 14, 2010, they interviewed Dr. William Bernet author of a book called Parental Alienation DSM-V and ICD 11. Dr. Bernet is a child and adolescent psychiatrist, a Professor in the Department of Psychiatry at Vanderbilt University School of Medicine. A graduate of Harvard Medical School, he is board certified in general psychiatry, child and adolescent psychiatry, and forensic psychiatry, and has published articles, book chapters, and books regarding psychotherapy with children and adolescents, child maltreatment, and children of divorce. was a speaker at the Canadian Symposium for Parental Alienation in 2010.

In this very excellent interview, (thank you Dads on the Air), Dr. Bernet makes a strong case for why adding parental alienation to the DSM-V is important for the awareness, education and treatment for families suffering from PA behavior in their families. DSM stands for Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders and ICD stands for International Classification of Diseases. Dr. Bernet was responsible for submitting two proposals to the DSM-V task force as it deliberates the inclusion of PA/PAS as a either a legitimate mental disorder, or a relational problem in the new version of the DSM-V that is due out in May 2013.

Many myths and misconceptions about PA/PAS have proliferated the PA community has struggled to find clearer ways to define and understand just what it is. Dr. Bernet goes on to say “I really don’t think the fundamental concept is all that controversial, their are different fringe issues seem to stir up a lot of heat. The basic idea that this happens sometimes in families with divorce, almost everybody agrees with that.”

What everyone does not seem to agree upon is how it should be labeled in the DSM-V. Dr. Bernet admits that many of his professional colleges have issue with labeling the child with the “disorder” many of them agree that is could be adopted in the DSM-V as a relational disorder. I feel that is also is an adequate categorization, why label the child, when it is really the parent’s relational problems that in turn cause the child to move into survival mode.

I honestly believe from my own experience that my sons had to choose one parent to survive emotionally. They choose their father, and at first I struggled to keep from being angry at my children and it took a great deal of inner work on my behalf to stay centered and know that they were doing the best they could under the circumstances. Today, I know most certainly that their father lacks adequate social and emotional skills, that have in turn manifested in limited communication abilities. While I am not giving him a break for his behavior, I find it is not helpful for me to be delusional about the truth.

I feel by advocating that the DSM-V and ICD adopt Parental Alienation as a not a disorder of the child, but instead, a relational disorder of the parent’s puts the responsibility in the place it belongs, with both parents. While I most certainly understand how tough this can be to swallow, it is none the less truthful. While I did my best to educate myself and learn to become a better person and parent, my ex-husband had and has no such desire. It took me a great deal of heartache to accept this fact because it left it glaringly obvious to me, if it was our relational disorder I could only fix 1/2 of that equation.

But there is so much we as alienated parents can do for ourselves and our children. I read so many blogs and posts of parents stuck in the drama, crisis and sadness talking about giving up. While it is not an easy path for those of us who have dealt in the severe end of the spectrum, I am a testament to the fact that you cannot give up. Last week I had dinner with my seventeen year old son, and while he still holds me at arms length, I can see a teeny tiny crack in the door and that gives me all the hope I need to keep on keeping on.

For more information about Dr. Bernet visit

http://www.mc.vanderbilt.edu/root/vumc.php?site=psychiatry

If you a member of the PA community please visit my website at www.padirectory.info where our mission is to to support the global efforts of non-profits, advocacy groups, therapists, psychologists, social workers, mediators, lawyers, researchers and students, in their individual and collective efforts, to bring legitimacy to the topic of parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome.